What kind of Domme are you?

I hate that question. I’ve always had such a hard time articulating what style of Domme I am, because I don’t know that I fit any one particular category. I don’t consider myself a purely Lifestyle Domme, because while I love what I do and the dynamics I create, but… I can’t say I find fulfilment as a Domme without the excitement and realness that the money brings to it. I wouldn’t say I’m a ProDomme either though, because that seems too transactional for me, I don’t want clients or customers. I don’t like one off sessions or the idea of booking anything. I need to have that emotional connection that comes from bonded dynamics. I also don’t know that I can comfortably say I’m purely a Findomme either. I love sends, but I love them in conjunction with everything else that comes with a dynamic. Sending and nothing else doesn’t do it for me. So, I am all of them but none of them, and I hate explaining that to anyone, but I doubt I’m alone in that feeling of inbetween-ness. Plus, then there’s more types in the depths of those main three. That’s when we get into style identifiers: Sadists, Caregivers/Mommy Dommes, the “Bratty” Dommes, etc. For me, I think I’ve settled into Gentle Domination because it’s the most encompassing of the standard style, but I’m not sure that’s the most accurate either. In the right dynamic, with the right sub, I love to explore the darker corners of domination and some of those extreme kinks. So gentle isn’t always quite right, is it?

Truthfully, after a lot of thought and several conversations with my subs, I think if I really had to coin a phrase to encompass who I am as a Domme, it would be a “Romantic Domme.” It’s not GFE, because I’m not pretending to be anyone’s girlfriend. It’s not a roleplay or even a fantasy. I don’t pretend to be anyone or anything I’m not so, it’s not any type of experience I’m selling, and it’s certainly not an option for just anyone to pick off of a menu. That being said, who I am is hopeless romantic at heart and that bleeds into who you see as a Domme. I love letting others feel that warmth that comes from someone that genuinely cares about them as a human being, not just for the kink or the money, but because they’re a person that deserve to know they’re special. I love genuine friendships and the fulfillment and authenticity of my dynamics. I love good morning messages when I wake up, and sweet nothings throughout the day, I love the sends that say they’re paying attention to who I am and what I love, I love real conversations in which my subs are happy to listen to me ramble about my passions and things that mean the most to me, and even nonsensical things that make me smile. And it’s crazy think that for a while, I didn’t see any value in that here.

I actually thought I was way too fragile to be in this community, that no one wanted a soft and sweet romantic for a Domme. So, then I was trying to be the same kind of Domme that I felt everyone else was, or at the very least the kind of Domme I thought subs expected me to be, and it just left me feeling empty. Treating subs like their only value is the amount they send, or allowing subs to make me feel like my only value is the kink I provide is just not a mindset I have ever handled well. And it took me a long time to realize my value has never been about the kinks. They’re the smallest fraction of what my worth is in this community and my dynamics. No one is really staying for the kink, you can find that anywhere, and for much cheaper. No, my subs stay for everything else I am, because that’s the one thing they will never find once they stray away from me. It’s what keeps them here, and for the ones that have left, it’s what brought them back. And I don’t mean for this to sound like I’m special, because the same can be said for so many Dommes. You just have to find and be willing to embrace your own identity.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but it is possible and I promise it’s worth it. I know for me, my style doesn’t fit the expectations or interest of 99% of the subs online, but the moment I stopped caring about them and focused on the 1% that fit me, everything fell into place. I won’t lie, I don’t get a ton of messages every day, I don’t get new approaches often, I don’t even get time wasters, but that does mean on the rare occasion I do get a new sub to approach the odds are they are someone looking for the same things I am. This makes those inital conversations so much more enjoyable. It also helps with that feeling of being burned out or jaded. Really, it’s just about trusting yourself and knowing your own worth. So, I guess the point of this for anyone that might be reading is that you don’t need to fit in a box, and you don’t need to post the same thing everyone else is posting, you really only need to embrace whoever you are as person and give yourself the room and patience to let people see what makes you special.