Introspection

Trigger Warning: Nonconsensual situations, mental and emotional abuse (to include gaslighting, manipulation, and more), reference to SA and SA themes. (No detailed SA information provided)

Disclaimer: This is a blog. It’s personal. It’s my opinion. It’s my experience, and it isn’t up for debate. If your experiences are different, if you feel my methods are wrong, if you think I overcomplicate things, if you think “it isn’t that hard or that big of a deal” then I am happy for you, but I am not interested in your invalidation of my perspective or your advice. The purpose of this blog is self-reflection and a healthy form of processing for me, so as they say: take what resonates and leave the rest.

Now let’s get into this…

Sometimes I feel like I should come with a warning label, you know? “Warning: highly addictive, easy to fall for, may or may not break your heart. Proceed with caution.” And that sounds silly, or like it’s intended as a bit, something someone like me would say to entice someone like you. Afterall, isn’t that the point? I mean, it’s hardly a secret that what I offer in this space, what becomes invaluable and irreplaceable about me, is my easy nature and that element of companionship, and to some degree GFE, that comes with knowing me beyond the one-off sessions and the veiled tweets. My compassion and the quality of care that I provide is genuine. It’s not a facade, it’s not a tactic, and so it feels real, because it is real. So, when that very real element gets swirled into all of the fantasy components that bring this community to life, you can imagine how easy it is to want more of it, to chase it, to let it consume you, and to ultimately become infatuated. And most of the time it’s a good thing. It’s fun, it feels good to let go and become wrapped up in that infectious magic that makes this world so special. Most of the time, it leads to great dynamics and healthy bonds, but what happens when it doesn’t?

Here’s a few situations in which the lines got blurry, and it ended badly:

Sub A

“A” was one of my first dynamics. He was very sweet and very kind, and at first it seemed like such a good dynamic. He sent often and eagerly. Covered anything and everything I could ever need. And we got close, became friends. He told me about his past, his experiences, his life, and I listened because I cared and because I think those human connections are important, especially for me and especially in an online world. I’m not a machine or a robot, and so don’t behave like one, and getting to know each other beyond the fantasy is a big part of that. But then things changed. The more personal he got, the less he would send. It reached a point where he felt our relationship had outgrown that portion and that everything I provided him was something I should do without a send attached. My importance in his life went up but my value went down. It was as if he felt because I didn’t treat him like an ATM or an object, and because I did care about his well-being as person that it meant he was owed my kindness, my time, and my availability and I was owed nothing. I became his therapist, his mother, his pseudo girlfriend, his “Favorite Person”. He would trauma dump about his past and his mental health, and in turn whenever I tried to communicate a boundary, my own discomfort, or state that my needs were not being met he would then make me his emotional hostage. He would tell me that if I left he would not be okay, that he would do bad things to himself, or that bad things would happen as result because I wouldn’t be there to stop it. I received drunk calls at 3 am, because he was not in a mentally healthy state and he felt I was supposed to be there for him in those moments. If I didn’t answer, I received messages telling me I was letting him down, that I should be there for him, that he needed me, because there was no one else like me, because no one understood him like me, no one else could do what I do for him. The flags were burning red, but I felt guilty stepping away. All the while, he stopped sending. He would talk about it. He would tell me that he’d give me the world if I wanted it. He would make sweeping declarations that money was no object, but still he wouldn’t send. And when I questioned it, then it became “If you lived here, if you were my girl, if we were together… then you would never want for anything, but just sending you money makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel like I’m paying you to care about me and I don’t like that. So it’s hard for me to send.” Then the possessiveness went up a notch and he would try to dictate the money. He would insist on buying gifts instead, but only things he wanted to send, not necessarily things I need or wanted. Everything was about him, what he wanted, and how he wanted it. And again, I was still that emotional hostage, and his wellbeing was held over my head. I did eventually step away, but it certainly got worse before it got better. When I did finally leave, he told me that I was abandoning him, that he needed me, that no one else could help him like I could, and he wouldn’t be okay without me. He said I must have never cared about him if I was willing to leave him in his poor mental health all because he wasn’t comfortable paying me.

Sub B

“B” was a sub that “wasn’t into” the monetary aspect of this community but theoretically understood it was an element that was nonnegotiable and necessary. As a result, he wasn’t a big sender, and he was hardly overjoyed about sending, but it was okay because I liked him as a person and initially felt he was, for lack of better terms, a "low maintenance” individual, and so I was okay with the small portion he was sending. We got along well, there were moments of what I considered to be topping from the bottom, and he would occasionally overstep from time to time, but those moments were resolved easily enough, and things progressed well. Unfortunately, after some time, he had real-life matters that caused him to step away from the community for several months. He did eventually come back, and I was hopeful that things would continue as they had previously. I was mistaken. We had conversations that felt uncomfortable to me - some that were too hot, in the sense that he made a lot of assumptions and I felt there was some pressure for me to be this amazing Domme that checked all of his boxes, never mind the fact that maybe those several months he was away I had grown or changed as person. He didn’t seem interested in me, just who I could be for him and what I could do for him. There were also conversations that were too cold, ones in which he felt the need to point out that I wasn’t the most attractive woman he had ever served, and similar conversations that just really jabbed at the human in me. It felt like I was being weighed and measured and my worth was judged as if I were some piece of equipment in which the model were being compared to another. Those remarks were always made casually and easily. And when those backhanded comments were questioned the love-bombing would begin. In addition to those hurtful superficial comments, there were multiple situations in which he made assumptions about my character and became angry and defensive. Not because of something I actually did, but because of something he assumed. The subtle manipulation would start, and I would catch myself attempting to defend my character as if I were on trial. Then of course the love-bombing and apologies would begin again. Stronger, better women would simply have blocked and moved on, but I have always had a hard time walking away from people. It’s probably a combination of my ego (aka my I can fix him mentality) and my bleeding heart (aka my ability to blind myself from the red flags and try to see the potential in others). So rather than doing what I should have, I shut down. I became distant. It reached a point where he got exactly what he paid for - the bare minimum. And, as expected, he eventually decided to end things, but not before a strong attempt to gaslight me into believing that him walking away was my fault because I wasn’t doing enough for him. Let us be clear here, his sends totaled $100 a month. Totaled. Yet, he painted me as this manipulative self-serving person because I wasn’t willing to entertain him throughout the day every day, and because I prioritized my vanilla career and my family over his “needs”. He felt I had changed and had become too money hungry to see how special he was. He was clear that he wanted a relationship with me, that he wanted me to be more than a Domme and was “so disappointed” that I couldn’t give him that because I was simply “too blinded by the money”. Nevermind that at no point in time had he ever taken accountability for his lack of sending or the fact that he never attempted to fulfill any of my needs or wants. Every interaction we had was about him and for his benefit, but when he wanted more and I refused, he became angry. And from his perspective his negative feels were the effect, but I was the cause. To this day, he sees himself as the victim in our dynamic and I was the manipulator.

Sub C

Now “C” was a great sub. Sent consistently always, from day one. He went above and beyond in that department, out-sending almost everyone on a regular basis. Our interests also aligned so play was fun and easy, at first. Initially the only issue we really had was that he was almost obsessive about wanting to be my favorite, something difficult for me because I never cared to have a ranking system. Everyone in my life is there for a reason and quantifying that into some form of a leaderboard never sat right with me. However, in addition to that drive to be number 1, C eventually became very guilty of overstepping and romanticizing. He slowly started behaving less like a sub and more like a boyfriend. He became possessive. His phrasing changed from serving to expecting. He was controlling and would love bomb, gaslight, manipulate. All of it. Behaviors that were an echo of my relationship with the first person to SA me. He tried desperately to strongarm his way into being someone that I had rely on, and to force his way into becoming more than a sub to me. He reached a point where he felt entitled to know my location, to know why I hadn’t spoken to him in X hours, who I was with and who I was talking to. He would use the money he sent to justify his behavior or to distract me from it. Love bombing in the form of not only words but showering me with money and gifts to apologize for whatever he did that went too far. He would push for things I didn’t want and attempt to buy his way beyond my boundaries. Admittedly this was the worst dynamic I’ve had, and as a result I can’t bring myself to go into more details, because I’m realizing now that I’m still processing some of it. Sadly, it was also the longest of my unhealthy dynamics because at the time I needed the money, and I was dumb. I convinced myself that I could handle the emotional abuse because I had already lived through a far worse hell when I was SA’d. I told myself I was still in control because I was choosing to stay, and I convinced myself that I could walk away whenever I wanted. I convinced myself for far too long. When I left, he used every tactic in the book to try to keep me tethered to him. And when the begging and bargaining didn’t work, he turned on me too. He argued that he sent so much that he deserved better, that I was just greedy because I wasn’t willing to give him everything he wanted. And in the end, he felt he was just a victim to my manipulation.

Noticing a pattern, yet? These three are hardly the only examples I have, but the rest would just be more of the same. Now with every single one of these subs I was clear from day one about what I could offer and where my boundaries lie and what my expectations would be. No, I never pushed for sends, I never made it strictly about the money, I never treated our interactions like a business transaction, and yes, I genuinely did care about them as human beings so I was willing to be a friend and someone they could confide in, but at no point did I ever insinuate that I wanted more than a dynamic or that I would be willing to have any relationship without the monetary component. There were absolutely times when I should have been harsher, colder, and should have pushed back hard, but at no point did I ever not communicate when a boundary was crossed or fail to make it clear that I was uncomfortable. But it didn’t matter. They still convinced themselves that they were in love with me, and as a result they wanted more of me, and not only that they wanted it but that they were entitled to it, that they deserved it. They developed these feelings, or what they thought were feelings, and created these almost parasocial romantic relationships with me and when I would communicate a boundary, they would then become aggressive, bitter, manipulative, and scary. They made me uncomfortable and when I voiced it, it didn’t matter because my discomfort didn’t fit the narrative, they created in their mind they disregarded it. And the worst part is when it fell apart, these adult men changed the narrative so that they were the victim.

All of that to say, I know sometimes it’s hard to pull yourself out of the fantasy. Especially when we build these worlds, when we present ourselves as these beautiful, ethereal, perfect beings and it’s easy to let the logic and reason fall away and find yourself inching closer and closer to a very clear line. And it’s easy to convince yourself that it’s okay to cross it, to tell yourself you’re different, you’re special, and it’s okay.

But it’s not okay.

I know we create this illusion that Dommes have all the power and all the control, but the truth is these dynamics are 50/50. They are partnerships, and trust and communication are such important parts of it. Don’t abuse your partner’s trust. Don’t ignore your partner when they communicate. Don’t create these unsafe and damaging interactions because you choose not to control yourself. And do not attempt to make your Domme responsible for the feelings you fed, and you couldn’t control.

We spend so much time here talking about SSC and how to play safely. We talk about the red flags that come from inexperienced women, but we also need to acknowledge the red flags that come from very experienced men. Because these stories aren’t accidents. They’re trends and patterns and learned behaviors. And I know I’m not the only woman in this community that has felt that, or the only one that has experienced the blurred and crossed lines at the hands of toxic and fragile men, and I know I won’t be the last. So, when I talk about these things, know that I know I’m not alone in this. I don’t think I’m some enigma and that no one else can relate. I know many women can, that’s why I’m writing this. Because it’s not just me. So, trust us when we say you’ve hit a boundary. And when we tell you, don’t cross the line, don’t. Do not let your fantasy disrupt our reality.

And truthfully, it’s not just about our mental health and well-being but about the community as whole, because when all that is left in this place are inexperienced Dommes that lack humanity and don’t respect boundaries or have any understanding of what it means to be a partner, it’ll be a direct result of the environment that was cultivated. So be better.